BRUCE / BREE / BETH / BLAIR / BABS? JENNER

bruce jennerIs not this week’s People magazine cover simply a foregone conclusion? Could anyone with eyesight NOT know Mr/Ms Jenner was undergoing a wee surgical/karmic transformation? Do you think the entire Kardashian clan was aghast, or possibly even verklempt? You  know someone in that family is carefully analyzing the potential $$$ bonanza in this situation. Might they film the surgeries… or even better, have him become Stacy and Clinton’s star pupil on “What Not To Wear”, in an episode titled simply “How To Turn Your Man Into a Real WO MAN?” Oh yeah baby, I sense Kardashian nostrils quivering in the wind at the smell of mas denaros.

Having personally experienced the first long-term relationship in my life turn out to be with a man who declared himself gay shortly after arriving in NYC, I can only imagine Kris Jenner’s utter public humiliation. I am guessing the slowly-dawning realization of the situation went something like this.

First, I noticed my husband stopped shaving his face and started shaving his legs.

Then, he requested that I call his hair stylist and cancel his future appointments. “I feel like growing my hair out. Autumn finds me yearning for a change.”

I caught him sitting in front of a roaring fire yesterday, intently perusing my latest ‘In Style” and ‘Allure’ magazines, drinking a Cosmo with his pinky up.

He has displayed far too much interest in the Chastity to Chas transformation. No more ‘Dancing With the Stars’ for this fellow. His enrollment in Cher’s fan club was troubling.

He has suggested joining me for my next pedicure appointment and began googling OPI nail polish colors. He seems to be leaning toward ‘I’m Not Really a Waitress’ or ‘Chick Flick Cherry’. Sigh.

His most recent Netflix order arrived and contained ‘Beaches’, ‘First Wives Club’, ‘Something’s Got to Give’, ‘It’s Complicated’, and ‘Under the Tuscan Sun’. Not a single Rambo or Steven Seagal in the envelope.

At IHOP for breakfast yesterday, he passed on his usual Lumberjack special and instead requested one scone, please, with a pat of light Smart Balance on the side, and a cup of hot water and a Midol.

jenner2

Poor Bruce/Bree. If only Fate/Karma had allowed him to sidestep this mess of black widows known as the Kardashian women, he might still be the proud owner of both his willy AND his manhood. Sad that this nest of pit vipers was so smothering that he had to resort to this extreme measure to escape their clutches.

Anyhoo, Bruce/Bree, I know an awesome plastic surgeon I can recommend, but since he ran off with his office manager, I’m not 100% sure I can find him for you. I can however, recommend a lovely Caribbean island to use for your recovery.

Air kiss, air kiss…so LA

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