This Caveman is Paleo Perfect #114

Oh ladies where do I begin? Finally a man who doesn’t lie or deceive you. True to their word. No half truths or bullshit. One who lives up to his hype. It’s true! And because Texas women are not by nature hoarders of anything they stumble upon that is this delicious, I am going to share him with you, ALL of you. Yer welcome! Once you’ve played around with this one for only a few days, you will be dancing with delight, and wondering how you ever lived without him, so please don’t leave me off your Christmas card list.

Where did I stumble upon such a treasure? Match.con? POF? Mais Non. At my local library. Can you believe it? It beats trolling around the frozen food aisles of your local supermarket looking for starving widowers, while freezing your ass off.

ARE YOU READY? I discovered a Caveman and he has given me a new lease on life, in the form of the Paleo diet. I’d heard of this previously, but assumed it would be as much of a struggle as all the others I have briefly slow danced with in the past five years. Let’s see…there was Weight Watchers, which DID work until I realized I really didn’t want to poison my body with processed fake food that came in boxes labeled Smart Ones. Atkins, of course, but does anyone really feel good about eschewing fruits and veggies? Barry Sears had The Zone, but I spent so much time doing the math and ratios that I had no time left to actually eat any food. Michael and Mary Eades were slightly better with their Protein Power, but still, existing on 35 grams of carbs a day takes balls of steel and just couldn’t be sustained by me for long.

Like so many of us on the wrong side of 50, I shrugged my shoulders and surrendered to Chunky Monkey status and size 12 for the duration. Then, at my library…EPIPHANY! Loren Cordain’s Paleo Diet book came rushing headlong into my arms, we kissed and vowed to never part. The rest is history.

I’ve lost, effortlessly, 20 lbs. since July and fully expect to reach my old modeling weight by Thanksgiving or Christmas. Lumps, bumps, and bulges simply melt away. This could make SPANX an historic artifact. Even better than seeing the weight melt off is the incredible energy you have when you remove pasta, bread, sugar, starchy veggies, and dairy from your diet. What the devil is left to eat, you may be wondering. Protein, always and lots, then fruits and non-starchy veggies. I am discovering, here in Paradise, fruits I never knew existed. Dragon fruit, star fruit, jackfruit….

Since childhood I have had blood sugar issues, needing to eat every four hours or risk fainting. When you are busy working, those little snack interruptions can be a pain in the tukus. By the fourth day of eating Paleo, I have not wanted or needed a snack, ever, AT ALL. Some days I have to force myself to eat three meals. I no longer wake up and have to eat something within 30 minutes or risk turning into Linda Blair. Now I roll out of bed, walk 4-6 miles, go to yoga class, then weight training, all without even thinking of food. This is liberation. Another crazy side benefit…hadn’t slept properly through the night in several years. Within a few days of eating this way I began to fall into a deep sleep, and stay there until the alarm goes off. No more insomnia, tossing, turning, and fretting about how sleep deprived you will feel tomorrow.

My favorite part, after the incredible results, is the fact that you can access all the information to do this without spending a dime. It’s all online and at your library. No NutriSystem or Jenny Craig boxed crap to purchase, no cattle-call weekly weigh-ins at Weight Watchers. No more feeling like a lowly worm because you feel dreadful  in every garment in your closet.

It isn’t difficult either, trust me. My ex-boyfriend was always trying to fool me with cauliflower mashed “potatoes”, but I wasn’t playing well with others. I thought I would expire if I couldn’t have my beautiful Yukon Gold potatoes, scrumptious pastas, and bread, heavenly warm bread just out of the oven, lovingly dripping with yummy butter. But once you have been through the first week and see the results with your own eyes, those tantalizing items lose their allure, quickly. I have learned to embrace spaghetti squash and “riced” cauliflower is a perfectly acceptable substitute for rice or couscous.

Because I don’t have the discipline of either Gandhi or a Himalayan monk, I opt for the 85/15 rule. I adhere strictly to the Paleo plan 85% of the time, and three meals per week I eat whatever I want. I make sure it is something I’ve been pining for all week and indulge. I think this weekend it might be bagels and lox, possibly also risotto Milanese. This keeps you from feeling deprived and is a terrific reward for your week of discipline.

A totally unexpected reward has been…men; they are coming out of the woodwork! Don’t think they would be chasing me as ardently in my size 12’s. I have vowed to remain faithful to my one true love, however. Who could turn their back on a Caveman who has given me my body back?

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