Yesterday morning, while rushing to get ready for work, I noticed something quite odd about Baxter the Booger. It looked like he had a big red Christmas ornament attached to his willy. Not something I ordinarily see every day. Race the clock, out the door, never gave it another thought until I get home from work and Paco meets me at the door. “Mom, we have a situation with Baxter. He has a big red knob growing out of his willy and it’s been like that all day.” Mon dieu, I see that this is quite true. Harness on and out to the car we race, trying to get to the vet before they close.
Conversation with vet tech on phone to warn them of our impending arrival. “I’m not sure if this is serious but Baxter seems to have had an enormous erection the entire day, and it shows no signs of
“Did anything unusual happen to set him off? Perhaps a lovely young female German Shepard crossed his path today? If you left your computer on while you were at work, could he have accessed some internet porn?”
“Listen dude, I’m used to having a horny puppy on my hands, but this is NOT that. He has a 3” diameter red shiny tree ornament where his who ha should be.”
Of course, by the time I walked into the vet’s office the entire staff was at the front desk snickering and curious to see the Yuletide decorated boxer. Even the other patients were belly laughing and pointing at my poor boy, who was completely stripped of his dignity at that point. The vet’s eyes grew huge when she walked in the exam room. “My God buddy! Where did you get that thing?” All this while snapping on rubber gloves and pulling out an industrial-sized bottle of KY jelly. She yelled down the hallway, “I need the largest vet tech who’s available; we have to repackage a penis, STAT!” It was the grim and determined look on her face that worried me the most. “OK”, she motioned to me to come closer. “Watch me carefully. This is exactly what you will be doing every hour tonight. That thing has to stay lubricated. If it dries up we won’t be able to stitch it back in place tomorrow morning.”
I pale as I watch her down on the floor pushing my poor boy’s willy back where it belongs, like a factory worker packing sausage into a casing. Finally, after much struggle and sweat, success! That bad boy is back in the corral where it belongs. I couldn’t imagine doing this myself at home all night long, unless I rented the vet tech for the night.
Knowing it would be a long night, I was in bed at 9 and up every hour until 2AM, when I just threw in the towel and gave in to the fact that I would be a walking zombie all day from lack of sleep. What the vet failed to mention is that while one could indeed keep Wild Willy lubricated, one could not prevent the Booger from promptly licking it all off, completely negating the effort. Every lubricant I tried, he found to be a gastronomic delight. KY jelly, yum yum. Extra virgin olive oil, scrumptious. Vaseline, nectar of the Gods. All this after lassoing and hog-tying him, and throwing him on his side. This is a 75 lb mass of muscle, who clearly did not want to participate in this madness. Finally, exhausted and desperate to sleep, a vision popped into my head. My favorite substance in a can. PAM to the rescue. With nary a tussle or throw down, I could simply sidle up beside him and execute a lightning-quick Ninja spray move; he never even knew what hit him.