Still Swimming #93

“A woman is like a tea bag: You never know her strength until you drop her in hot water.”  Nancy Reagan

As I continue to struggleswimming with all my might toward the distant shore that is my future, I suddenly realized it has been an entire month since my last post. Time slips away when you are fighting for survival and sanity. To keep my hand in the game and not lose touch with all of you who have become so special, I will repost until I reach my future, where I hopefully will dig up my very lost funny bone.

Babysitting Ben Stiller

imagesCAQDDY81My wonderful friend of 25 years, from “Merle Dean Sings ‘Honey, You’ve Got the Wrong House’ Blues“, let a funny, little Jewish cat out of its proverbial bag today. We were discussing the dumbest man on the planet, Anthony Just Toasted His Own Weiner, and I mentioned his name reminded me of the scene from “There’s Something About Mary’, where Ben Stiller gets his weiner caught in the zipper of his prom tux, and Cameron Diaz’ brother exuberantly chants, “Franks and beans, franks and beans” over and over. Merle Dean then informed me that she had spent one year as Ben Stiller’s babysitter when he was two years old! I’ve known her for 25 years and this was the first time this little factoid had crossed my eardrums. As a teenager, she had lived in the same building as Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara, and was recommended as a reliable babysitter. SHUT UP!

I kept marveling at how she’d never mentioned this amazing information to me before, but then realized that the last time I saw her in person, Ben Stiller was not yet a household name. She said what she remembers all these years later was that he had quite the expansive nappy JewFro sitting atop his obnoxious wee head,

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and that all he would ever eat was cold pasta, smacking his mouth wide open the whole time he chewed.

I just can’t wrap my head around the idea of my elegant, perfectionist, fastidious fashionista friend spending any time whatsoever with ANYTHING that cries, pees and poops. Though she was only sixteen at the time, here is the scene as I envision it.

Regal Teen Girl rings apartment doorbell. Mummy Anne Meara answers, raspy New Yawk accent barking out a long list of instructions which will enhance Little Benji’s evening away from Mummy and Daddie. Vertically challenged Mr. Stiller enters foyer to assist the Mrs. with her coat, all the while winking and leering at Regal Teen Babysitter. Little Benji comes charging out to say a final goodbye to parental units, and catches sight of his new babysitter. As he gazes far up at her, he wanders if he will ever be as tall as she, but then his eyes latch onto her boobies, and a wicked grin forms as he reaches out tiny hands and begins making twisting motions, as though he’s trying to adjust dials on a radio.

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With a smile frozen in place, Regal Teen manages to hold onto her sanity until the elevator arrives to swallow up Mummy and Daddie, at which point she slowly turns to Little Benji with the menacing sneer of Cruella Deville, and purrs, “Listen, you Little Focker, you so much as think about touching me, I will turn you into the ultimate Heartbreak Kid. I will unleash so much Tropic Thunder on your scrawny Mick Jew ass you will wish you knew Something About Mary AND Jesus. I will send you and your cold gooey pasta to live with the lions and tigers at the Zoolander. DO YOU HEAR ME?!? And by the way, when my boyfriend, The Cable Guy, gets here, you better make yourself scarce, otherwise you might be spending your Night at the Museum, all by your lonesome.”.

With a chastened nod of his tiny fro head, Little Benji agrees not to tell Mummy and Daddie and Regal Teen then heads straight to the liquor cabinet where she unleashes the tequila, the worm, and her inner goddess. Come to think of it, I bet my friend was the inspiration for many of Ben’s comedic ideas. Gurlfriend, can you spell ‘your cut of the royalties“? This could be your moment to lawyer up.

4 thoughts on “Still Swimming #93

  1. to quote my coed daughter: OMG!

    This was Stellar! And you could never lose your funny bone..your Radial Humerus writings strike my comedic nerve…lol

    I know what you mean about blogging…..I have been in a dry spell for ages, some days I just wanna quit and go back to my motherhood mayhem……Oh-Em-Gee….what am I saying?? Must be the menopause talking…..

    Great Piece..loved every Blog of it!

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